Black of the Blackest Ocean

I've posted this song many, many times before on my blog, sometimes with an explanation and sometimes without, but the fact is that this song has been there for me when no one else was. This song and I have been through so much together, and she knows me.

She knows exactly how I feel most of the time - my greatest fears, hopes...

"All the world just stopped now.. so you say you don't wanna stay together, anymore.. let me take a deep breath, babe.. if you need me, me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the Dream King."

For someone with the abandonment issues that I have - the constant feeling that the people you love will be leaving you forever any second now - this is the most familiar moment. That moment where you hear the words that someone is leaving you, for whatever reason, and your breath catches, and you think, "That's ok.. I'm just going to go to bed, now." And then you sleep and sleep and sleep, hoping that when you finally wake up, it will all be fixed and everyone will have realized what a huge, cosmic joke the whole thing was, and sometimes just hoping that you don't wake up at all...

"I think there are just pieces of me you've never seen.. maybe there are just pieces of me you've never seen.."

Such powerful words.. trying to reassure yourself that you are worthy of being loved, and that the people who have shunned you just can't seem to realize the things about you that would make them love you, but if they could just somehow see that part of you, they would get you, they would understand that you're capable of being loved..

And then realizing just how much power these people have over you - the power you give them - and the waiting game - putting your entire world on hold - while you try to figure out which way to go..

"All the world is dangling.. you don't know the power that you have with a tear in your hand."

Then comes the conviction that you're better off without them.. the fact that if they couldn't bring themselves to love you for who you are, for the things that you love, then they were never going to love you anyway, and you've probably spent the last however long it's been trying to convince them to love you just hurting yourself in the end.

"Cutting my hands up everytime I touch you.."

And then, finally, the realization that you just have to let it go..

"Maybe it's time to wave goodbye now.. time to wave goodbye now.."

The euphoria that follows when you realize that you're a better person for having gone through this, but also the terror of realizing that you'll have to go through it again, and trying your damnedest to learn from the experience..

"Caught a ride with the moon.. I know I know you well.. well, better than I used to.. haze all clouded up my mind, in the daze of why it could've never been.."

The insistence that next time will be different, because next time, you're just not letting anyone in. You're really not better off for having known this person, so what was the point? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Because you know for sure that the next one will kill you. Why not just go ahead and nip it in the bud this time?



Do you ever feel that if someone listens to a song - just one song - then they'll know everything they ever needed to know about you? Because honestly, that's how I feel about this song. She does this to me anyway with the majority of her songs. I can literally trace a major life changing event to every single song the woman has ever written, but this song has come up more in my life than any other, and sometimes I think that if I wanted someone to get me - to really get what it's like to be Sara - all they ever have to do is listen to this song.