Christmas!

My Martha took these of Zion and Shelby last week (and about 123 others, but my blog just doesn't hold that much)..

(Blowing kisses)

From Kathy's Blog

She rocks.

"Got this in my email today. You have to use the first letter of your name to come up with an answer for each thing and you can't use your own name when it asks for a boy/girl name."

What's your name? Sara

4 letter word: Sour

Vehicle: Saturn

City: Savannah

Boy Name: Sutton

Girl Name: Sherry

Alcoholic drink: Stoli

Occupation: Sanitary Engineer

Something you wear: Sombrero! (ole!)

Celebrity: Sanjaya

Food: Strawberry

Reason for Being Late: Surprised?

Cartoon Character: Spongebob!

Something You Shout: Stupid Idiot Drivers!

Bumper Stickers I Need.

1. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

3. There is no end to lack of foresight.

4. This is not the life I ordered.

5. A day without fairies is a day without sunshine.

6. Ahh.. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

7. BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE.

8. CAUTION! I brake for Elves, Fairies, Gnomes, Leprechauns, Unicorns, Dragons & other invisible creatures that only I can see.

9. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

10. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

11. Earth First. We'll Strip mine the other planets later.

12. Do I LOOK like a people person?

Cause That's How We Roll In The Shire.

Crunch time.

Crop's headed our way.

Crazy week ahead.

Let's do some random facts, k?

1. My husband's favorite band is KISS. You heard me. Twenty-seven year old African American man. His favorite band is KISS. He can quote facts, is literally a card-carrying KISS Army member, and you should just SEE the memorabilia.

2. If I went back to college today, I would major in World Religions and minor in African American studies. Weird, huh?

3. The first time I ever took my husband camping, a tornado came through and blew our tent into the lake beside the campground. That was funny.

4. The second time I ever took my husband camping, it was 49 degrees in the middle of July and we were in a canoe. And it rained. It rained so much that there was an inch and a half of water on the floor of our tent. We went home. That sucked.

5. I'm afraid it might be more about the chase, and less about the "attaining."

6. I wish I was a character in this book. Specifically, the title character.

7. On Thanksgiving, my dad came to pick Shelby up from my house. I took Zion upstairs under the premise of "taking a nap" because I didn't want to introduce them. It's been over a year since he's seen Zion, and I'm hugely bitter about it.

Seven's a good number.

You Can Get Anything You Want...

If you listen to NPR, you've probably heard of a program called, "All Things Considered." This is a fabulous program, and I almost always end up in tears before it's all said and done.

"All Things Considered" has been producing a program called "This I Believe." Different people - from your ordinary, everyday Joe, to mega-celebrities - send in essays about things they believe. They range from hilariously funny ("I believe in my cows..") to heart-breakingly touching ("I believe that all people are sacred..").

Nothing, however, prepared me for the essay I listened to yesterday.

The last few weeks have been hard ones for me. I could edit that sentence, and I could say that the last year has been immensely difficult. I'm not a sheltered person by any means - I grew up very fast, and I definitely wasn't babied through the process.

Lately, though, facing difficulties with things like my closest friendships, my marriage, my son, other family members - it seems like I'm facing the hardest challenges of my life these days.

In 1967, Arlo Guthrie sang a song about a woman called Alice. The song was a hysterically funny story about some trash, and some pictures, blind Justice, and the draft, and a restaurant that Alice owned. If you know the song I'm talking about, you'll click on this link and listen for a few minutes, because you probably have just as much history with it as I do. If you don't know the song, I urge you to listen all the way through. It's an experience.

"Well it all started about 40 Thanksgivings ago..."

So the point of this very long post, is that Alice, the lady the song was written about, wrote an essay for "This I Believe."

I know! Who'da thunk?

Her essay can be viewed here, so I'll just tell you why it touched me so much.

Her essay begins with, "I believe that just because you have only six plates and three glasses is no reason why you can't invite 12 people to dinner."

She goes on to say that you can drink out of jelly jars (which is ALL we drink out of at my house, much to Michele's chagrin, because when they break or Zion stashes them in his sock drawer, we don't have to worry about matching patterns), or line hubcaps with tin foil to make plates.

As soon as these words came out of Alice's mouth, I knew I was listening to someone who had been spying on me for the last 27 years. How had she managed to get inside my head so seamlessly?

She talked about "improvising," and explained that, "It's exciting; it's an adventure, a challenge, and a chance to be creative. Not being locked into a 'plan' or a prescribed way of doing something leaves room for all kinds of wonderful stuff to happen."

This is where I started to realize that Alice Brock really was talking to me. Alice Brock somehow realized that I needed some encouragement in my life, in my business, in my future - and the woman reached out to me through public radio.

Stay with me here, people, cause there's never been a question about my lack of sanity, right? So this conversation shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

This paragraph - this one - is the one I needed to hear:

"I didn't study how to own and run a restaurant. I pretty much made it up as I went along. I was swept up with the idea — the fantasy — of having a restaurant, the chance to make something happen. It never occurred to me I couldn't do it; I only felt that way after I opened up, but by then it was too late. And of course making money at it was way down on the list of what mattered, and that allowed me the freedom to focus on creating something really wonderful."

So now go back and read that paragraph, and replace the word "restaurant" with "scrapbooking kit club" and then you'll have a perfect description of my life.

"I had no idea of how anything was 'supposed' to be. I just barreled ahead, discovering all kinds of possibilities and making plenty of mistakes. And those are really great opportunities to learn. When something works, well, that's that. But when it doesn't, I have to think about why, and I have to come up with some other way that will make it work."

And then, the most perfect sentence I've ever heard in my entire life - "Mistakes lead to discovery and that can produce delight." And then, "It was the oddity that brought richness to everyone."

As I'm writing this blog entry, I have tears streaming down my face, because finally - finally - with this last sentence, I feel that for the first time in my life, someone has given me permission to live the only way I've ever been capable of living:

"I believe there is no one way to do things. The way that works for me is the way that works right now. But that might change tomorrow."

Happy Thanksgiving. Try something different. :)

I lost a friend today, and my heart is breaking.

There's something deep-seated in me that has always believed that once people got to know me - the real me - they'd realize what a complete fraud I was, and they wouldn't want to be around me anymore.

I've made and lost a lot of friendships in the last couple of years, and each time a friendship is lost, I go back to being seven years old again, and thinking that I should sit on the sidelines on the playground. If I actually got up and made friends, then I would have to open up, and they would just leave when they figured out who I really was.

I dunno why I'm even typing this out publicly, except that blogging is a good way to sort out your thoughts, right?

I'm exhausted, and I can't keep up anymore. It's just too much.

140,022 Miles

That's what my odometer says today.

I really had to sit for a minute and think - when we got this car, it had 92,000 miles on it.

Before I had this car (which my husband and I loving refer to as the "mistake") I drove a 1994 Geo Tracker. I usually called it my wanna-be Jeep, but it was such a fun little car! I drove EVERYWHERE - over medians, through fields, peoples' yards - that little Tracker could go over anything.

That Tracker and I had been through a lot together. I bought it shortly after Matt and I broke up, and immediately drove it to Arkansas, loaded with 3 friends and some camping equipment. We camped at Devil's Den State Park and had an awesome week, complete with cave exploration, dancing under waterfalls, drinking, and just general idiocy. We listened to Dave Matthews, Rage Against the Machine, Sublime, 311 - we screamed, we sang - I can't remember feeling so young, and so carefree.

On the way home, we lost a wheel bearing. We got stuck somewhere close to Joplin, Missouri, and my dad came to our rescue, fixed the wheel bearing and sent us happily on our way home.

That little Tracker went all over the country with me for the next couple of years - more camping trips than I can think of, more boyfriends than I care to remember - we bonded, that Tracker and I. I had bumper stickers all over the back that said, "It's a Beautiful Day," and "Give Peace a Chance," and "All You Need is Love," and "I'm Not a Slut, I'm Popular."

I had a bandanna hanging on the rearview mirror with buttons on it that said things like, "Next time, we'll f*%k things up my way," and "One Love" and "Tree Hugger."

The top stayed off of that little Tracker at least 10 months out of the year. If it was cold, I turned the heat on, but the top stayed down. I kept a tie-dyed bandana in my glove box, because half the time when I was driving it my hair was in a million little mini-braids. I would tie the bandana around my head and let the wind do whatever it felt like doing.. it made me feel close to the road, and it made me feel free.

I was eight months pregnant and on my way home from my doctor's office when the clutch went out on Metcalf. It was 5:10 in the afternoon. Mike pushed it into the parking lot of a hotel, an we anxiously waited for AAA to come and tow us to the mechanic's.

When I saw my sad little Tracker sitting in the lot at Harold's shop, I knew it was time to let her go. Trying to put a car seat in the back of it was a joke, and when you combine that with the fact that it was a death trap on wheels - well, it certainly wasn't the responsible thing to do, keeping it to drive a baby around.

We managed to beg, borrow and scrounge $1200, and Harold went to the auto auction to find a suitable family sedan. He called and said he found the perfect car for us - four doors, good condition, and the mileage wasn't bad - only 92,000 miles on it (as opposed to my Tracker, which had close to 155,000). He brought it home.

The first time I saw it, I wanted to cry. This was not at all what I signed up for - this family sedan life. How was I going to be one with the road? I would look ridiculous driving this car with a tie-dyed bandana around my head. And forget the bumper stickers - I'd get arrested.

I sadly waved goodbye to my little Tracker and drove my new four-door family vehicle home. Mike tried to convince me that this was better for everyone - it had a good safety rating, room for the car seat, a trunk, even, for groceries! I was not convinced.

I am still not convinced. I still do not love to drive my Mercury Mystique, and I tell it that every single day. "You are not my soul, you family sedan of a car," I whisper bitterly, and think longingly of the day I will once again have four-wheel-drive.

But today as I arrived at work, I glanced at the odometer and saw that we have arrived at 140,022 miles. I thought about the things that have happened in my life during the last 48,000 miles - I brought my beautiful baby son home from the hospital in this car. I drove him to doctor's appointments, playdates, and friends' houses. We've been to the park to have picnics in this car. We drove 90 miles to Children's Mercy Hospital in this car the night Zion's fever rose to 105 degrees.

It's seen friendships formed and friendships broken. It's driven to Christmas dinners and Easter egg hunts. It's carted literally thousands of dollars of scrapbooking products around.

Surgeries, tooth extractions, rescue operations - this car has been there through so many of these things. It represents three years of Mabin history - we spend a lot of time in that car!

So may tomorrow, instead of whispering bitterly into the dashboard, I will thank it for being such a loyal member of our family. I will, however, tell it not to get too comfortable, because they are now making four-door Jeep Wranglers.

Random

1. I want to be John Mayer's guitar. Have you seen what that man can do to a guitar? Plus, the face he makes while he's DOING it.. oh, Nelly. I want to be John Mayer's guitar.

2. I get to pick up my computer from the computer doctor today. Oh how I've missed you, cute little laptop. We will return to regularly scheduled blogging shortly.

3. Still challenging. Can't bring myself to do any actual "scrap your kid" scrapbooking - just challenges. Maybe I'll post 'em tonight.

4. Got lotsa stuff happenin' in the next couple of weeks - personal stuff, scrappy stuff, all of the above - I'll be happy if I can just make it until December 2nd. Life will be good again December 2nd.

5. That's all the randomness I got. The Smurf was looking lonely, so I felt the urge to put something on it. Happy Saturday.

Struggling

Really, it's completely an internal thing. I'm finding solace in a lot of different types of music lately. Thought I should share.

Kasey Chambers - anyone who writes this in a song is inspirational to me: "So I slammed the doors they slammed at me; I found the place I'm meant to be; I figured out my destiny at last." Doesn't that make you feel like curling up in a big, squishy chair with a cup of tea and a kitty in your lap?

Roseanne Cash - so emotional, so intense, anyone who grew up in the same household as Johnny Cash and June Carter has to feel the burn, right? "This thing has turned into a runaway train.."

Patty Griffin - "Even I'm getting tired of useless desires."

So there's your window into Sara for the week. Introspective. I did some more challenges this weekend, but I'm less than impressed with them, so they're just going into the book - never to be seen or heard from again.

You know how sometimes you discover something that's so wonderful, so amazing, makes you feel like you're floating, and you want to share it with the whole world, but then you think it won't be as special if you share it with the whole world? But then you realize, my gosh, if the whole world knew, they would *get* me! And then finally you realize that the whole world is never going to *get* you, so you decide to just go to bed and deal with it in the morning.

That's how I feel tonight. :)

G'nite.

I'll Be Your Stump.

I have a friend who hurts.

I hate that she hurts - anyone would hate it if their friend was in pain - but I've watched this hurt grow from a betrayal many, many years ago, to something that has wracked her entire being, and my heart is breaking for her.

She has been there for me so many times. She's had a leading part in my life for years and years - as my shoulder I cried on during the first big rejection of my world, my sponsor in my journey to Catholicism, my bridesmaid, my son's godmother, my friend, my confidante, and a whole lot of other things that could get me arrested if I put them in print.

We've fought, we've stopped speaking to each other, we've somehow started speaking to each other again, we've squabbled and manipulated and competed and pissed each other off like no one has ever pissed me off before (and I'm sure no one has ever pissed her off like me).

We made it through.

She hurts.

And I hurt for her.

And I just want to put my arms around her and promise her that it's going to be ok - that this really, really sucks, but she's going to get through it, and she's going to be scarred, but she's also going to find out how strong and capable she is.

But really, the only thing I can tell her is that I promise that I will be there for her forever - until all that's left is a stump that she can rest on.

I hope you read this. :)

So..

"Balanced?" - One Little Word Challenge


"I do not seek. I find. - Pablo Picasso" - One Little Word Challenge


"Go Placidly" - One Little Word Challenge


"My List" - One Little Word Challenge


"Automatic Connection" - One Little Word Challenge


"Naughty Li'l Siren" - All About Eve Challenge, Idol


"New" - One Little Word Challenge


"Simplicity" - One Little Word Challenge


"Stop" - One Little Word Challenge


Zion's Birthday - Monday - had a mini-party. Made with the fun.


Miss Martha brought me this cute little pixie from Colorado!


And Zion was a horsey for his first trick-or-treating adventure this year.

And yes, I realize my photography on these isn't the greatest. Sorry. :(

First of all, the Clean Houses layout. It describes the general chaos that my house is on any given day, and the phrases that we use the most:

Clean clothes go on the floor, not in the closet/Clean dishes are in the dishwasher, just grab one/Don't make the bed because you're just getting right back in it/Irons are for crafting purposes, not clothes/Have you seen my keys?/Why is that cat sitting inside your dryer?/Did you know that your recycling box is overflowing?/Why are there three empty containers of fabric softener in your laundry room?/How can you find anything in this closet?/Do you know where the screwdriver went?/Have you seen the kitchen floor?/I can't seem to find it anywhere/Under the bed - ugh./Did you feed the dog?/I think we're out of dog food/Your mess is overflowing into the living room/Wipe it out/Sick of it/Bleach just isn't gonna cut it this time/Please call before you come over/ACK./So tired/For the last time, where is the damned remote?/Why is the kitchen ceiling dripping onto the floor?/Oh, THIS can't be good./The entire closet just fell on my head/Is that a hairball?/Oh my god, quick, get a paper towel./How come I never have any clean underwear?/Can you buy me some socks? Mine are all dirty.

Second - daylight saving time (and yes, it's "saving" and not "savings" - I'm the geek that looked it up). I work this every single freaking year. EVERY YEAR. I hate it! I'm the one that ends up setting all fourteen or so clocks back in this office, and it drives me nutty. Blech.

Third - not only did my computer die this week, but we lost electricty for approximately 17 hours on Thursday, and then Friday the dryer broke. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler? Also, poor Shelby's boyfriend broke up with her (for reasons I won't splash all over the internet), so she's bummin'. Mike injured himself go-karting at a "work meeting" (feel the sarcasm?) and he's been limping around all weekend. This has not been the greatest week for the Sara family.

Fourth - I put a good chunk in my stash over the last couple of weeks. I'm pretty darned proud of my mad scrappin' self.

And finally, finished a whole bunch more challenges, but they're uber-personal, so I won't be sharing them. :( The good news is that the girls at Category Stories will be playing with the Nutmeg kit for the challenge they're issuing on the 15th. I'll be working on this one tomorrow (cause I didn't bring the damned kit with me tonight - duh, Sara), and I think it's gonna be fun. I *love* their work, and I'm so excited to see what they come up with.

Crazy Damned Week.

Sometimes I Blame You.

Clean Houses Freak Me Out. (Category Stories Challenge)

Guilty As Charged. (Category Stories Challenge)

She Keeps Going and Going..

Category Stories Challenge #1 - "Your Crush." My crush is Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The quote is, "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." Quote written on the tag is, "So when do we destroy the world, already?"


Category Stories Challenge #2 - "Body Parts." Redheads have all the fun. Nuff said. :)

More Challenges :)

I'm an addict.


All About Eve #6 - "Everyday"


All About Eve #7 - "Glimpse"



All About Eve #8 - "Music"



All About Eve #9 - "Secrets"

I Really Am Going to Bed Soon.

But I was reading some blogs, and came across Dani's post about her Chuck Taylors, and it took me on this trip down memory lane (ok, memory highway - still).

You know that crush you had in high school that just completely defined you? Mine was for Blake Washer. Oh my dear holy lord, did I love Blake Washer. What's funny, is if I happened to have a picture of him and I posted it here, the comments left would say, "Jeez, Sara, he looks dead," or, "you're joking, right?"

He was uber-tall, skinny as a rail, pale as a ghost, and had this stringy long black hair that hung in his face all the time. He was so, so sexy, and he was so, so unavailable. He and Brenna had been dating for two years by the time I *met* him (a quick google search - yep, that was me - will tell you that he and Brenna have been happily married for, oh, pretty much EVER).

Ok, but the point is, I loved him.

He had these completely beautiful green corduroy Chuck Taylors that I have lusted after officially for more 12 years now (found 'em on eBay, in case you're wondering, and no, I'm not giving out the link because ONE DAY I will be able to afford them).

I, on the other hand, had simple black Chuck Taylors. I had been wearing them for well over a year, and they were the kind of shoes that you didn't want to take off for fear of clearing the room. Nasty, nasty shoes.

Each morning I would enter Psychology class and before I could sit down, Blake would drop onto the floor and caress my shoes while he made the loudest orgasm noises he could muster.

I would die a little inside each time, because how many times did *your* high school crush molest your shoes? Uh-huh. That's what I thought.

That's just how my friends rolled.

One day, I said something to him and he got upset, and this was one of those guys that was really hard to piss off - so when you did it, you had screwed up pretty bad.

I was devastated. Completely and totally devastated. I agonized over how to apologize - how to tell him that I just LOVED him and that's why I was so awkward around him!

I finally realized what I had to do.

I had to sacrifice the shoes.

I put them in an old shoe box and lovingly wrapped them with Christmas wrapping paper (I distinctly remember this being in the springtime). Then I got in my car and drove the whole 4 blocks to his house and rang the doorbell.

He answered the door, and I wordlessly handed him the box. Then I left.

The next day in Psychology class, I came in with my new Chuck Taylors on. He was sad, and said that they weren't disgusting enough to be molested, but that he understood how important the gift I had given him was, and he loved it. He also said he had never received a present that disgusting in his life.

I really, really want those shoes back.

Fine.

The Paper Pixie site is having technical difficulties that are REALLY starting to piss me off. Yeah, yeah, it was cute last week - now I'm sick of it.

The handsome and talented Justin Wright is, however, on the case. I hope. Well, he probably isn't on the case at 2:36 in the morning. But I have EVERY amount of faith that he will be on the case in a few hours. I hope.

Anyway, I digress.

There are dishes to be washed, laundry to be done, kitties to be spending time with, television shows to catch up, floors to vaccum, and I have decided to blow all of these things off and ramble here about nothing.

I'm on a Dido kick again. Remember Dido? The tea spilled song? Well, that was not my favorite of the Dido songs, but it wasn't bad (cept for the collaborating with Eminem and the extreme over-playing). This, however, was one of my favorites. I used to listen to it with my headphones on at absolute top volume, and I swear, that song filled my entire body. Well, probably with the vibrations from those itty bitty speakers inside my ears, but it felt like it was coursing through my veins. For real. (What did you say, honey?)



This one also is good. Very good.

I would like to be scrapping right now, but alas, the scrappy-ness was left at work this week. No scrappy for Sara.

I would also like to be doing unmentionable things to my husband, but he has to be up for work in 2 hours, so I think I'll let him sleep.

There's the dilemma. In a nutshell. I'm sitting on the couch, watching the kitty lick herself in places men can only dream of being able to reach on their own.

'Nite.

Some Challenges

Not the greatest pages in the world, but it was really fun to make them. :)

Choices

I just need to say that this weekend took me on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

First, I acknowledged some feelings this weekend - let them surface, let them take me by the reigns and pull me into uncharted territory, and to be completely honest here, it scared the living crap out of me.

For real.

But I think it was a good thing. The truth is always good, right? Even if it's terrifing, it's good. And I have to keep telling myself that, because right now, I feel like a 3rd grader who's about to stand up in front of the class and admit my deepest and darkest secrets.

Want me to summarize?

I spent the majority of my weekend feeling like I was going to throw up.

To take my mind off of things, I decided it was time to do some real, diggin' deep kinda scrapbooking. I hit some challenge blogs - specifically this one, and this one.

This started out being a good idea - really therapeutic, I had some fun with it. You'll see the fruits of these efforts when (if) I get a chance to take pictures of them.

But I digress.

The first challenge was a lot of fun, as was the second. The third was pushing it, and the fourth really, really made me think.

I faced a lot of things this weekend, right here inside my own little head. Abandonment issues, insecurities, love, hate, regret, guilt - it was like this ongoing struggle in my brain for three days.

Did I mention that it scared the crap out of me?

So here's what I learned this weekend, and why I'm at peace with it.

1. I can't help the feelings I have. I can change the way I show them, but I can't suppress them. It's not good for anyone, least of all me.

2. Sometimes I need to bring the hurt back in order to get over it. It's necessary to acknowledge it. I don't have to fight it - just acknowledge it - and then it's time to move on and leave it behind.

3. It's no one's fault. I need to stop laying blame.

4. I am only Sara. I'm not super-mom, super-woman, super-lover or anything else super. Just Sara. I can't do everything, as much as I'd like to.

5. Sometimes the family you choose makes more sense than the family you're given.

The Truth

If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform a million realities.
Maya Angelou

That is the truth.

Four!

I got tagged! How exciting! My Dani-girl thinks I'm worthy of the taggy-ness, so I'm there.

Job's I've Had:
1. Veterinary Technician
2. Web Developer
3. Scrapbooking store employee
4. Pizza maker

Movies I (do) Could Watch Over & Over
1. Muppets From Space
2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
3. Grosse Point Blank
4. Practical Magic

TV Shows I Watch:
1. NCIS
2. Reaper
3. Cold Case
4. Ghost Whisperer

Places I've Lived:
1. Dallas, TX
2. Atlanta, GA
3. Lawnrence, KS
4. Kansas City, MO

Favorite Foods:
1. Mexican. Anything. For real.
2. A huge steak - medium rare.
3. Fried Chicken
4. Carrot cake w/cream cheese frosting

Favorite Colors:
1. Purple
2. Green
3. Brown
4. Black

(I'm pretty easy to please)

Places I'd Love to Be Now:
1. In bed.
2. Wales
3. Alaska
4. The Beach.

Names I like but would not use for my children:
1. Rowan
2. Zoe
3. Blake
4. Gareth

I'm tagging Vera, Christina, Kathy & Linda.