Choices

I just need to say that this weekend took me on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

First, I acknowledged some feelings this weekend - let them surface, let them take me by the reigns and pull me into uncharted territory, and to be completely honest here, it scared the living crap out of me.

For real.

But I think it was a good thing. The truth is always good, right? Even if it's terrifing, it's good. And I have to keep telling myself that, because right now, I feel like a 3rd grader who's about to stand up in front of the class and admit my deepest and darkest secrets.

Want me to summarize?

I spent the majority of my weekend feeling like I was going to throw up.

To take my mind off of things, I decided it was time to do some real, diggin' deep kinda scrapbooking. I hit some challenge blogs - specifically this one, and this one.

This started out being a good idea - really therapeutic, I had some fun with it. You'll see the fruits of these efforts when (if) I get a chance to take pictures of them.

But I digress.

The first challenge was a lot of fun, as was the second. The third was pushing it, and the fourth really, really made me think.

I faced a lot of things this weekend, right here inside my own little head. Abandonment issues, insecurities, love, hate, regret, guilt - it was like this ongoing struggle in my brain for three days.

Did I mention that it scared the crap out of me?

So here's what I learned this weekend, and why I'm at peace with it.

1. I can't help the feelings I have. I can change the way I show them, but I can't suppress them. It's not good for anyone, least of all me.

2. Sometimes I need to bring the hurt back in order to get over it. It's necessary to acknowledge it. I don't have to fight it - just acknowledge it - and then it's time to move on and leave it behind.

3. It's no one's fault. I need to stop laying blame.

4. I am only Sara. I'm not super-mom, super-woman, super-lover or anything else super. Just Sara. I can't do everything, as much as I'd like to.

5. Sometimes the family you choose makes more sense than the family you're given.