Tired.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of people twisting the truth so they can benefit from it, or so they can use it as a justification to wallow in self-pity.

I had an argument with several friends once. The argument stemmed from an instance where they lied to me. I'm not talking about bending the truth, or leaving something out - I'm talking about asking a direct question, and getting a LIE in return. These were people I TRUSTED implicity - trusted them with my friendship and love and, more importantly, with my child.

I apologized profusely to you - all of you. The only thing I got in return was complete exclusion from everything I knew and loved. Since that point in time, anything I've done has been scrutinzed and twisted. I've been accused of taking things from you. I've been accused of lying about you. I've been accused of betraying secrets.

Betraying secrets? Are you kidding? Do I have ANY reason for remaining loyal to you at all? Yes, I'm talking directly to you. I pleaded with you - sobbed, beseeched you - to forgive me and understand where I was coming from. In return, you gave me venom. I will never forget the poison in your voice when you said to me, "You've made your fucking bed." What about when I said, "I've lost my five best friends in the world." Your response? "This is your own fault, Sara. I hope you find happiness somewhere, but it's sure the hell not going to be here."

I have NEVER ever attempted to take anything from you. I've never tried to compete with you on ANY level. I've CERTAINLY never lied to you, and I assure you I've never destroyed anything that you made with your own hands, though you have mistakenly accused me of it.

You removed a piece of artwork from the person I gave it to. You sat beside me and watched me pour my heart into it, and made fun of me for doing so. You called me a "suck-up" for the words I put on the page. You made it clear that you didn't share the feelings I had for that person. Then you took that piece of paper that I put my heart into and told that person I hadn't bothered to make anything for her. How dare you? That wasn't EVER your decision to make.

Are you happy that a piece of me is gone now? Were you happy to hear that my heart was broken when our group of 8 became 7? Are you happy that the part of me I gave you will never be given to anyone again?

I asked you not to call me anymore. I told you I was so sad that I couldn't stand it. I told you I was sorry, that I knew how much trouble I had caused, and I just wanted to disappear. You could have responded to that in a relatively painless way - either a., said yes, you caused a lot of trouble and it's good that you're going away, or b., said yes, you caused a lot of trouble but we're friends and you can't just go away. Instead, you chose to make me into a being capable of untold amounts of evil. You continued this for months, making up things that I was doing - to you, specifically - and letting people know that there were two sides to the story. Do you think I lied to them? I don't lie. They read the emails themselves. I didn't have to lie. They made up their own minds.

I have been accused of using my friends. I've been accused of being an evil, wretched person. The funny thing is, I've been accused of doing several things that I never did. Keeping swaps, losing circle journals, stealing information - it's been proven, time and time again, that I've never done any of the things you continue to accuse me of, months later. You can't find anything to be truly upset about, so you speculate.

Could you stop please? Could you stop worrying about what I'm doing? I'm fine. My son stopped asking about you a long time ago. I've learned a lot from being friends, and then not, with you. I've mostly learned not to give that part of myself away again. You can't get it back.

I've also learned about being liberated. Remember when you asked me why I would want to be friends with *her*? Why I would go out to lunch with *her*? Remember when you wanted to have a party but you didn't want to invite *her*? Well, I'm friends with all of those *hers* now, and I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore. I don't have to answer to you about it. And all of those *hers*? They are wonderful, generous, FABULOUS people, and I am so sorry I missed out on those relationships because I was worried about what you would think.

I also learned about irony. When you said, "I hope you find happiness somewhere, but it's sure the hell not going to be here," you were right.