Too Fast

Ever get the feeling that things are moving too fast? My whole life I've felt guilty about good things happening to me.. Ellen used to say that I acted like I didn't deserve happiness, and even went as far as to accuse me of purposely sabotaging my own life when things got comfortable.

I have a hard time with karma - I believe that karma is something that exists naturally. It's not a deity-driven force. It's here just like the air and the water and the trees are. Does that make sense? It's just an existential thing.

I believe that good things can only happen when you work your tail off. I don't think that you succeed or excel just by being a good person. I think that you really have to work and sacrifice to get to the top.

So I feel guilty about where I am right now, because I don't feel like I've done a lot to earn it. Sometimes I'm ready to just crawl into a hole and pretend that none of it happened because that would be so much easier. With the good comes the bad.

I hate conflict.
When a conflict happens and I feel responsible, my usual response is to apologize and just disappear so I don't cause more problems.
I figure, if I'm capable of disrupting that much, it's better if I'm not around, right?

People, as a rule, are not forgiving.
They hold onto things until it eats them from the inside out.

My brain is running in a million different directions right now, and I can't seem to make it slow down. I guess I'm just a little freaked out about the pace - everything's moving too fast.