Feelin' Near as Faded as my Jeans

ETA: This is a long boring post.. I'm rambling again. Sorry. ;)

I hate being caught by surprise. I'm so emotional these days, and I can't figure out why. I keep bouncing back and forth between sad, upset, pissed off, happy beyond all reason - I think I'm manic. Today I was listening to the radio on my way to work, and Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee" came on the radio. My dad used to play this on his guitar when I was little. My grandmother, who was (back in the 80's) once offered an opportunity to tour with the Judds, sang it with him when we visited her. It was kind of "their song."

My grandmother's second husband was a record producer, and they lived close to Houston. My dad used to tell me about the music celebrities that would come to their house - they had Johnny Cash over for dinner once. My grandmother's brother was well on his way to recording his first album when he, along with his brother-in-law, was killed by a drunk driver on Thanksgiving and sailed forever into family legend.

I'm getting off track here. The point of my story is that I heard this song, and it made me think about my dad. Without going to into my long, sordid family history and analysis of my relationship with him, I'll just say that we're not speaking right now. I don't know if he knows that we're not speaking, because he's so far up his new girlfriend's butt he doesn't really know what's happening around him.

It makes me sad. This woman, Shiela, is totally wonderful, and I can't blame him for being up her butt. She's gorgeous, funny, nice, and loves motorcycles (which is his first love), but I can't get around this. When his last girlfriend broke up with him, all of a sudden he wanted to have this close relationship with Zion. He lives in town, and he's actually SEEN my son a total of four times in his life. I thought maybe now that Monica wasn't in the picture, he would realize that family is more important. I was wrong.

He met Sheila and moved in with her two weeks later. This was right after Thanksgiving. She's still married to another man who apparently stalks her, and this scares me, but I guess it's none of my business. I invited them over for Christmas brunch, and he never called me back. I called him again, and he said he had plans with Sheila and her kids. He never called to say Merry Christmas, didn't send Zion a card - nothing. He blew off Zion's birthday completely.

My mother's father died a couple of weeks ago. I never met him, but it wasn't for lack of trying. He lived in Philadelphia. I was in Philadelphia a total of five times growing up, and called each time to see if I could meet him and my cousins and aunts and uncles. Each time, he was too busy to see me - the excuses ranged from "working on the car this weekend," to "not feeling so hot, maybe next time." I spent my entire adolescence thinking something must be very wrong with me for my own grandfather to not even want to meet me. When I became an adult, I realized that it had nothing to do with me. I was 19 when he started sending me cards with $20 bills in them for my birthday and Christmas. I returned them. When he died, it didn't affect me at all. I felt terrible for my mother, but he wasn't someone I ever knew.

I refuse to let this happen to Zion, and I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake by feeling that way. I miss my dad, but I'm "not ready to back down" on this one. That song is perfect.. "I'm still mad as hell, and I don't have time to go round and round and round."

It's wrong when the only time you hear from your father is when he's drunk and lonely and has no one else to talk to. Right? There's no reason for me to feel guilty about this.

Stupid songs.