Surviving

Isn't that a funny word? That word brings out so many emotions in me.. when I was growing up, my grandmother would tell people that I was a "survivor," because I had been through so much at such a young age and hadn't become scarred by any of it (ha!). Then, one time we talked about my dislike of physical contact with other people. She, in a rare show of support for my mother, explained that when I was small, my mother was focused on surviving, and she didn't have time for "frivolous" stuff like hugging and kissing. She didn't condone it, but she said I couldn't imagine how hard it was being a young, single mother to a small child. She believed that this was why *I* had such a hard time showing affection.

The end of the year always makes me think about this.. it makes me wonder if I have "survived" the year gracefully, or if I have, in fact, done more living than just surviving. Last week I added the song "Colours," by Amos Lee to my music player. It's how I've been feeling lately.. not even blue, necessarily. Just a sense of loss. This year was beautiful, and full of opportunity, but I feel like it may be ending on a sour note. Am I being ungrateful? I've accomplished more this year than I have in my entire life. I've loved more, and I've lost more this year than I have in most. Instead of focusing on the accomplishments, I focus on everything I have yet to do. Instead of focusing on the friends and family that I love, I feel guilt and shame for the ones lost.

It was a good year. I discovered art in a wonderful hobby that helps me pay tribute to my family and the things I love. I discovered strength inside of myself that I didn't know was there. I was given an opportunity to be rewarded financially for something I love to do. I learned - God help me, I learned. So, so much. That's a good year, right? No reason to be sad.

Happy New Year, bloggers. ;)